It Just Didn't

This blog is about owning that sometimes it just doesn’t happen. We may bring the best of intentions to parenting and yet, sometimes we just don’t and we can’t. This read is all about how to work with these realities and how to prevent them, when possible. (We’ll keep this short.)

The Reality of It

Parenting pressure and stress is ubiquitous, and regardless of our resolve to do it all - we simply don’t. For some parents, this “dropping of the ball” occurs on occasion. The day got away, an unaccounted for demand popped up, or we over extended ourselves. For other parents, this has happened so often that it has made us cynical about what can be tackled or we have doubled down on the “try harder” myth. 

Whether it be parenting interventions, house tasks, school events, extracurricular opportunities, or play dates, we can’t get to it all. Parents are juggling their own busy calendars and there simply isn’t enough juice in the tank to make it all happen. And this is before illness appears to wreak havoc on families and routines.

We certainly can’t say enough about the physical toll these demands take on caregivers. Often we trade off sleep to try and gain more hours in the day. Even if we don’t willingly give sleep up, it’ll still cost us rest as we dwell on what could have happened long into the night. 

The truth is that the emotional and mental load still takes a toll. We may not know how to start a task, feel pained about not being resourced enough to take a task on, feel overwhelmed by juggling so much, and we may not know what is realistic or sustainable. 

In short, you’re not alone and there is good reason for why you’re noticing this happening.

Rolling With it

We started with naming this parenting reality because it’s the most compassionate thing to do. By first acknowledging how bad it feels to try and still feel like you’re failing - we can work with it. We can also then connect with the understanding that this is a reality so many of us deeply know and understand. Especially when life already feels so hard and complicated. 

There may be grief here. It may be directly tied to what was missed or the culmination of understanding why so much gets missed. It’s normal and appropriate that grief shows up - it is a testament to what you value.

And to err is human. We can move into accountability without shaming or guilting ourselves. This as much applies to our children as it does to us. We are greater than our actions and our roles- these missteps don’t need to define or limit us. It is possible to name the loss of missing a task, the impact of it, and reflect on what we can change to prevent (as much as possible) this event from occurring in the future. 

And Now What

When these events of dropping the ball present as a pattern, it may be a sign that something isn’t working. Here are some things to consider:

• The system is not designed to support you. Be mindful of the expectations you’re placing on yourself and what you take on. Build up support systems and practice being gentle with yourself.

• You’re overwhelmed. Noticing yourself take more on, despite struggling, can be a clear sign that you’re burned out. The urgency and expectations are taking a toll. Notice spaces to pause, regulate, and reevaluate what is within your control.

• Lofty or ambiguous expectations. When the metric for success keeps moving, we are inevitably going to fall short. It may be helpful to reflect on your values and set actionable goals. It is normal to have expectations for ourselves, but it can be unworkable to have these expectations dominate our living. 

• Boundaries are needed. Failure to express and assert our needs comes at a cost. Boundaries may benefit you by clearly identifying what is possible.

• Flexibility for sustainable action. There isn’t one “right” way to move towards our values or to live out all our values perfectly - all of the time. Instead consider how to flexibly show up in the ways that matter to you. 

While reduced to bullet points, these are dense areas of reflection and practice. If you find yourself coming across challenges in implementing changes, working with a licensed professional can support you in building up a compassionate practice, help you to understand your own boundaries and needs, and explore flexible strategies of meeting you where you are. 

In addition, we encourage you to check out our resources for your child on cognitive flexibility and working with overwhelm.