More Than a Label

As parents, we are deeply familiar with the idiosyncrasies of our children. We understand their food preferences, their humor, their sensitivities, and the nuances of their personalities. We’ve picked them up from long school days looking disheveled and very much unlike the children we dropped off. Still, we can recognize our children and readily anticipate their next need. There is so much richness in knowing our children, and yet, in tough moments, we can also reduce them down to a label.

Why We Label

Our minds are incredibly efficient at comparing, categorizing, and evaluating. From early development, we used these abilities to build vast networks of understanding. We relish the opportunities to distill complicated inputs into easily digestible bites. The simpler, the better. At least at times. 

Labels can speed up communication and create clarity across individuals. They also have the power of validating experiences by linking us to community and putting an end to our isolation. Many of us have had the experience of bringing strings of symptoms into various appointments and finally reaching a diagnosis and course of treatment. The absence of labels can have us feeling wrong, alone, and unseen.

How Labels Limit

Still, the resoluteness of labels can have harmful effects. When children are reduced to labels, this may in turn cease further openness to understanding their experiences. The absence of curiosity can impact a child’s view of themselves and how others engage with them. And it may also potentially limit what’s possible. 

Consider the label “shy child.” Innocuous in most cases, and commonly used by the most well-meaning. Still, consider that this label may be used at every introduction and internalized over time. Perhaps the reception is to limit interactions with the child or broadly discern that the child feels unsettled or uncomfortable across all parties. Over time, this may lead a child to doubt their own experience of comfort with others.

And this is with something fairly “harmless.” Imagine the labels that are made about abilities and appearances. And consider that these labels are often presented by the individuals who hold considerable influence in how children relate to themselves and to others. 

Labels can begin to influence our own understanding and perception of our children, too. What may have started as a shorthand way to convey a child's experiences can turn into tunnel vision over time - where we focus heavily on that behavior or that struggle, and the other parts of who our children are or what they are experiencing start to fade away. Parents are not immune to the limiting effect of labels, even when we are the ones who chose to use them. 

Behaviors in Context

A shift in perspective is to work on distinguishing a child from their behaviors. For example, a child who experiences anxiety versus an anxious child. This shift in language is often termed person-first language, and is not the rule. Some communities prefer identity-first language and have important reasons in adopting this stance. 

The utility of shifting our language in discussing our children is that it also facilitates curiosity. By not reducing our children to their behaviors, we leave space to understand their experience in context. A tantrum becomes less of a character flaw, and instead an invitation to turn towards. In this way, we can gather the information we need to understand our children’s needs and their own developmental capacity to handle adversity. 

We won’t actually understand the function of our children’s behaviors unless we understand them in context. Our children choosing to bite a peer or withhold a toy is not a “bad child” or “difficult.” The experience may present as challenging to engage with, but it also doesn’t make us “bad parents.” 

Rather, when we separate our children from their behaviors, we can reduce defensiveness and build up compassion. This applies to our assessment of a situation, but also to how we discuss concerns with our children. We can explore lying behaviors through curiosity and compassion without labeling our children “liars.” In doing so, there is room to explore how lying functioned for your child and meet them with understanding. This approach aligns you with your child and provides opportunities to explore other strategies of meeting needs. 

Growth-Orientated Language

This brings us to growth-oriented language - language that conveys the mindset that ability and intelligence can be improved through dedication and effort, as opposed to belief that these things are fixed or unchangeable. Embracing this mindset buffers against setbacks and helps to regard failures as learning opportunities. Caregivers (e.g., parents, teachers, coaches, etc.) play an important role in shifting mindsets from fixed to growth-oriented, all by attending to language. They do so by encouraging challenges, normalizing failures, celebrating effort, encouraging feedback and support, and acknowledging the presence of struggle in learning. 

Growth-oriented language paves a path forward. This is helped by not reducing our children to labels or putting caps on their potential. Yes, labels may serve us and our children at times, and it’s also key to stay alert to when labels may limit possibilities.