Simplicity and Specificity: The Dynamic Duo of Early Childhood

When we think about the early childhood years, it’s incredible to realize just how much your child is learning. They’re learning to move and care for their bodies, connect to and communicate with others, manage and understand their big feelings, and navigate and pivot during challenges. And - all the while - you are learning as a parent, too. With so much for us all to learn, it can be helpful for us as parents to have accessible tools and principles that keep us grounded and present, especially in the tricky moments. Enter: simplicity and specificity. 

What They Are

You know those moments where it seems like everything is just happening so fast and you’re not sure what to say or how to say it? Yeah, we’ve been there. These are precisely the moments where we can all benefit from a few keywords to help us recenter ourselves on the approach we wish to take. The principles of simplicity of specificity can serve as helpful anchors for us to meet our children where they are at while also helping to redirect their behavior.

In these instances, simplicity helps us remember that we can keep it short and sweet, which can better help our young children register what it is we are saying. This is especially true in heated or challenging moments - moments where they are about to or have already flipped their lids: these are not the times for long, drawn out explanations or requests. It’s time to make it clear, succinct, and easy to understand. The importance of simplicity expands to calm and relaxed moments, too. Giving our children information that is bite-sized helps to make it more digestible. Keep it clear and keep it simple.

Similarly, specificity helps us remember to focus on telling our kids what to do, instead of just what not to do. When we are specific and consistent with our directives, our kids know their bounds and their limits: they know where the structure is and what to predict. They know exactly what it is we are asking of them. They also know that when they are already trying and learning new things, we aren’t going to add on a mysterious and stressful guessing game for them. We get to help them register what to do and how to do it, and we are there to support them and scaffold their learning along the way.

So in essence, we are reminding ourselves: be clear and concise about what we want to see.

Why They Matter

Utilizing simple and specific language helps us to meet our children where they are at developmentally and it can help contribute to their sense of security within our relationship.

Developmentally-aligned

From a developmental lens, simplified and specific messages can be easiest to digest: they are clear, they are directive, they aren’t overloading, and they can be quicker to make sense of. This is especially important in early childhood, when kids are already constantly working to process the information in their environment. Simplified messages help to prevent cognitive overload (i.e., feeling bogged down by an overly complex task), which can lead to big feelings of frustration and overwhelm. As a bonus, our children’s mastery of words and phrases is supported through the repetitive use of these simplified messages.

In addition, phrasing our requests in a positive-manner - by telling them what we want them to do instead of what we don’t want to see - requires less steps for them to understand and respond to. For instance, a command such as “don’t color that!” requires our child to understand the subject we are referring to (i.e., the non-colorable item) and the action (i.e., coloring), what these two things mean together, and then it asks them to not do that action - an even more advanced request. We can shorten these steps and thus help set our kids up for success by removing that last part and letting them know what it is they can do instead (i.e., “color the paper”).

Facilitative

Our children are continually growing in their problem-solving and decision-making skills, and our specific and simplified requests can build their awareness of other ways they can get their needs met. By providing these clear directives and alternatives, we are helping them to make sense of how things can be used, where things can happen, and in what ways things can be done. Through this, we join alongside them to provide guidance that then allows them to take the next steps for themselves. We aren’t doing the thing for them, but we are helping them to see what directions they can move in so that they can reach the end goal they are striving for.

Relationally-secure

Offering clear guidance makes our expectations - and us as parents - predictable. As we like to often highlight, predictability and consistency help to promote a sense of relational and emotional safety: our kids feel secure in how we will show up as parents. This felt sense of safety within the relationship is crucial for co-regulation and for the eventual development of self-regulation skills, both of which support learning and growing throughout the lifespan. 

How We Can Relate

Let’s consider our own experiences as adults that highlight why simplicity and specificity are so important. Perhaps you’ve had a partner, supervisor, parent, or an authority figure in the past - or currently - who is clear on exactly how they like things done, but they aren’t very explicit in telling you what that looks like. Maybe you’ve received regular feedback from them about what “not to do” or that you’ve done something wrong, yet again, but still - without clear or consistent guidance on what to do differently. If you’ve had these experiences, the emotional impact of a lack of specificity may feel all too accessible: it can be stressful, overwhelming, and confusing. And over time, it can start to feel paralyzing. You may have regularly sifted through the mental list of “what not to do” while scrambling to identify some new option for what to try instead, and all the while feeling as though you are coming up short.

Now let’s take an example looking at the importance of simplicity. Can you recall a time where someone was trying to explain something new to you - either to help you learn a new skill, master a new concept, explain an area of their expertise, or to request an action from you - but it just seems so complicated? Consider how the complexity experienced in these scenarios can be partially compounded by extra wordiness, an overload of details, unclear descriptions or instructions, or abstractness? As adults, we have great experience being extra wordy or inadvertently overcomplicating things. Our kids don’t have that experience or that mastery yet, so it’s extra important that we try to tailor our approach to where they are at developmentally.

In brief, being specific, clear, and consistent in messaging may support relationships, learning, and set our children up for success.

How to Apply

Let’s take a look at some ways we can implement this into our everyday interactions.

In daily life, this might look like…

• Saying “walk slowly” instead of “don’t run!”

• Saying “use a quiet voice” instead of “don’t yell!”

While the opposite of “don’t run” or “don’t yell” may seem obvious to us, it doesn’t mean that it is obvious to our children. We can practice being clear on what we want to see, instead of what we don’t.

Giving specifics on how we want something done can also sound like…

• Saying “you can use your markers at the table” instead of “don’t take your markers in there!”

• Saying “put away your clothes and make your bed” instead of “clean up your room!” (although depending on age, we may need to give just one instruction at a time: “put away your clothes” and then “make your bed”)

Guiding our children on how to use certain items, where it’s okay to use them, or the specific tasks we want done can help them to better understand and visualize how to move forward. Additionally, when we break down larger tasks (like cleaning their room) into identifiable steps, we are also helping to support their executive functioning and their conceptualization of each of the components underlying the larger task at hand.

When we want them to pay attention to something specific… 

• Saying “take your time;” “set that down gently - there are other bodies close to yours;” “take one step at a time;” or “watch where you’re walking” instead of “be careful!”

Vague - and oftentimes automatic - directives like “be careful” don’t give our children much information to work with. They may not be aware of the specific things we want them to be looking out for and they are no more likely to recognize these things without us pointing them out specifically.

When we know what it is we want to see as parents, let’s be sure to share that with our kids. We can help our children visualize a clear picture of what they can choose to do, thus helping them with their own decision-making and problem-solving. By sharing information this way, we are able to join alongside our kids as they learn to navigate new situations, try new approaches, and make sense of the world around them.

Carrying Them Forward

While simplicity and specificity can be powerful anchors in early childhood, the fact of the matter is that they can serve us well throughout our lives. Others are able to get a clear sense of what we are expecting or needing of them, and we are able to convey our requests in ways that they will be more likely to be heard and understood. Moreover, by providing our children with a clear path forward, we are helping them to gain a sense of mastery and self-efficacy in their actions, rather than contributing to confusion and overwhelm. Limit-setting, feedback, and general communication will expand and look different as children get older, but these guiding principles can still help us show up how we want to - both in the calmest and the most chaotic of times.