The Hardest Part of Parenting?

Not that it’s a contest, but perhaps the hardest challenge of parenting is letting go. And we do it all the time. 

All the Ways

As parents, we are in a constant state of loss. Loss for the versions of ourselves that we knew before embarking on parenting: loss of time, the semblance of control, sleep, and freedom of planning beyond ourselves. And still it persists. We continue to say goodbye to the many versions of our children, the way they move, laugh, and express their needs. 

We do it in louder ways by finding skilled caregivers to care for them in our absence, scheduling playdates, dropping them off at school, and then perhaps, sending them off to college. Every life stage challenges our children and us in unique ways. From changes in toys, clothes, routines, and interests, we expand the ways we interact with and understand our children. 

Often in this developmental parting, we miss out on milestones. There is loss in this. Sometimes health or situational factors offer us detours on what we believe we “should” have experienced. And sometimes, our children’s growing individuation offers us minimal responses. We get vague replies and stay hungry to their private lives and experiences. 

And while we will expound on the benefits of such changes and growth, we must also honor the constant ache of parenting and saying goodbye. We do it often - even in the presence of celebrating the joys of independence. 

Why It Matters

The losses we experience aren’t inherently “bad” or “wrong.” In most cases they are evidence of our children’s development. In our absence, our children are offered opportunities to expand their understanding of themselves and their world. By expanding their community, children are able to build connections with peers, experience opportunities for collaboration, and increase their ability to self-regulate. 

Our ability to experience trust in our children’s capabilities is also linked to their decreased dependency on us. Our children need to develop their own sense of mastery - which includes having opportunities to struggle. They can increase self-efficacy through experiential learning and in turn establish a clear sense of self. This means understanding who they are outside of their relationship to others - including their parents.  

Change is a certainty of life, and in the ways we grow to adapt to change - so do our children. By naming the duality of these experiences, we model for our children our capacity to accommodate all the emotions that accompany change. 

How We Cope

While as parents we may understand that letting go is an act of love, it is not easily done. Many parents may choose to hold on tighter. This in turn may present as tenseness, rigidity, and resistance with our children. In turn, children may learn to conform to their parents’ needs at the expense of their own needs or lean harder into their independence. This can often occur in adolescence, when negotiating new roles and the freedom and independence within roles can be necessary.

The act of simply acknowledging shifts can be useful for ourselves and then with community. In doing so, we can practice making space for the transitional events that occur and benefit from understanding that our struggles are not in isolation. While we cannot escape the loss of change, the shared experience with other parents can help to alleviate the weight of such loss. 

True acceptance of what is can also free us up to connect with the love of letting go and other positive experiences that may appear. For instance, we can appreciate the time that we get back, the resolve of our children, and witness their growth in “real time.” These changes present as opportunities to label and appreciate with our children. 

• “This hard thing happened, and it was incredible to see you navigate it.” 

  
  

• “You were so unsure of yourself, and I saw you work it out.” 

  
  

• “I noticed an ease and confidence in you that wasn’t there weeks ago. You stuck with it and made the most of it.”

Further, when we connect to what is so meaningful about time with our children, we contact what is so precious about staying present. We contact the realization that time moves quickly and that parenting, in this current form, is fleeting. This presence facilitates true connection to what we dearly value, and assures us that when we could - we chose to be there fully.