The Value of Vulnerability

We all encounter struggles and suffering - and parenting certainly presents many. It cannot be helped. Our pain is tightly bound to the things that matter to us. And yet, despite the ubiquitous nature of suffering in parenting - so many suffer silently. Let’s explore how to understand these experiences and how to create more flexibility in how we respond to vulnerability. 

Why Softening is Hard

Moving into vulnerability is difficult in that we may feel exposed and unprotected. We see and feel the experiences within us that feel tender and they are left available for others to feast on. Or so it would seem. 

Typically, the mind is quick to intervene and come to our defense with strong messages that tell us not to speak the silent part aloud. These messages of judgment meant to “rescue” us from our vulnerability have also been echoed by societies that value strength and power. And yet, it is clear from experience that moving into the vulnerable is not for the faint of heart. There is nothing weak about showing vulnerability.

Said differently, vulnerability can conjure up our feelings of shame, the belief that we are unlovable and unworthy of belonging due to some flaw. Shame is the belief of not enoughness and it flourishes in secrecy. The harder we work to conceal it, the greater the sense of confirmation of it. 

So when parents struggle with a sense of not enoughness and instead are presented with images of what “good parenting” is - yeah… it would seem best to keep struggle concealed, lest others confirm what we already suspect.

Reasons to Try Vulnerability

The ways to address shame are through vulnerability, connection, and self-compassion. When we are courageous to move into vulnerability, we lessen the hold that shame has on us and tap into human connection. Through connection we access the understanding of our own humanity and belonging. 

This is an incredible gesture to honor your own humanity, but also to model for the young children in our care. Children learn through direct and indirect instruction and seek reassurance from their attachment figures. When they observe striving for unreachable expectations, dismissal of emotional expressions, and judgment towards human experiences - they are likely to understand this as appropriate for themselves, as well. 

Isolation is another high cost of concealing our struggles. Parents already carry so much, and isolation can negatively impact physical, cognitive, and mental health. Being in connection with others is vital to our wellbeing. Social relating fosters safety within ourselves and supports our capacity to regulate our emotions. 

Cues of Safety

Our work on parenting emphasizes the importance of establishing safety, congruence, and openness towards ourselves and our children. Children who experience non-judgment and reassurances of love are more likely to extend this same type of care to themselves and to those around them. After all, attachment science tells us that the frameworks of how we view others and ourselves, and the ways we extend care to ourselves and to others, are initially developed through our relationships with our caregivers. As parents, we have an incredible opportunity to help build these frameworks in the ways that align with our values and the characteristics we hold most dear - all with the reminder that the care we extend our children is likely to be the care that they carry forward. 

Like with our children, it is equally important that we identify spaces where we feel affirmed. While this experience is not guaranteed, it is important to stay open to the cues of safety and connection that exist. This may look like eye contact, following up, non-judgment, and reflections of care. 

Methods of Sharing

Understanding that sharing with support systems is useful does not mean that it requires you to share beyond your own boundaries of comfort. Staying attuned to your own boundaries is key in building up this practice of confiding in others. Share only what you really feel willing to.

• Sharing minimally: “I am not sure what to expect from soccer this season.”

• Sharing more: “It’s challenging joining the team whenever the other children and parents seem so well acquainted already.”

Many fear that by sharing with others we place unnecessary burdens on them when everyone is already carrying so much. We can recognize how resourced others are by asking directly about their level of openness, and by sharing what you are doing to care for yourself. 

• For example: “I have been feeling off for the past week. I am working to take better care of myself, and I still would appreciate some time to connect when you’re free. Do you have the bandwidth to chat this week?”

  
  

Even when others are unable to relate to your direct experiences, it is possible to connect by use of emotions. 

• For example: “I left the birthday party feeling disconnected and insecure with the other parents today…”

  
  

It is also key to clarify our needs. In doing so, we are more likely to receive back what we need. 

• For friends, it may sound like: “Our morning routine has been so stressful following break. I don’t need strategies, just space to talk about it. I know that it will settle soon.”

• For our children, it may sound like: “Mama is feeling sad today. It’s okay to feel sad. I am going to be gentle with myself and go for a walk. Want to go with me?”

  
  

Sharing also captures the experience of listening. Our openness to really seeing and hearing the experiences of others is important to connecting deeply. When we stay open to the struggles of others, there is reciprocity in understanding and care. 

If you find yourself coming across challenges in sharing vulnerably, meeting with a licensed professional can support you in building up a compassionate practice, help you to understand your own boundaries and needs, and explore flexible strategies of meeting you where you are.